Today is day 304.

Which is significant because 304 days is twice as long as 152 days.

And maybe you remember the last time we hit 152 with bonus kids.

One day after school last November, I sat outside my minivan sobbing.  By sobbing I mean while I was on the phone with RRL he asked “are you hyperventilating?”  It was that kind of sobbing.  I was sitting on the sidewalk on top of our double stroller and all 7 children were buckled up in the van and I could not will myself to get in.  The day was simply the culmination of lots of life with hurting kiddos coming to a head and I just couldn’t do it one more second.  Absolutely, 100%, no matter how much I felt like I was supposed to, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I loved all 7 occupants of that van, I COULD.NOT.GET.IN.  In that moment, I felt like I had been swallowed by a cloud of darkness that could not be penetrated.  I could not see an ounce of light in the situation.

In my head I was shouting over and over “GOD HELP ME” but couldn’t bring myself to mutter those words out loud.  I honestly believed it might not be possible to fall any lower.  And then the stroller broke and I crashed DOWN on the sidewalk.  Haha, real funny, God.

Left with no other option, I got up and chose to take one step toward light.  I put the (not completely broken) stroller in the van, took a deep breath, and opened the driver’s door.  AND I GOT IN.

I was still on the phone with RRL and through tears I suggested “Maybe we could talk to someone”.   But I didn’t really mean it. BECAUSE WHO?  How could we ever confess just how hard this was?  How miserably I sometimes failed? We threw out several loved and trusted names- elders and ministers at our church, family, dear friends- all of whom I’m pretty sure would scoop us up and literally carry us if they thought it would help.  But then one name slipped out of my mouth before I could have even come up with it in my brain.  We quickly dismissed them- we know them, but don’t KNOW them.  We certainly can’t TELL them.  Not everything.  What would they think?  Ridiculous.  Talking to someone at all would be ridiculous.

I drove to the library (hello, free and not alone) and sat in the busyness of that place, half-heartedly helping choose books and willing myself to pray.  Suddenly- because that’s how the King of the Universe works- it hit me like a lightning bolt.  Today.  TODAY is EXACTLY day 152.  No!?  It couldn’t be.  REALLY?  Quick double check of math on my phone confirmed.  Yep, day 152.

And last time, 152 was the breaking point for everyone. 

Whether by my (slightly) competitive nature or more likely through a strength I could never derive on my own, I decided something in that moment.  Today day 152 is not going to beat us.  Not any of us.  Today the enemy doesn’t get 152.  I didn’t know where to begin.  I still didn’t WANT to do it.  So, I found the will to pray a simple “help us get to 153,” show us how to do another day in this darkness.  I’ll admit, even in my forced prayer I was more than a little bit skeptical.

You know the little kid who peeks out of one eye during the prayer to see if anyone else is looking?  That’s a little how I felt in those moments of trying to move from prayer back to real life.  Peeking out.  Wondering who had noticed.  Wondering what was happening.

But happen, it certainly did.  Wanna know who called RRL not once but TWICE within 24 hours of that breaking-point-moment?  Yep.  Same “they’d be great, but how could we ever tell them, we don’t even know them” guy. He “randomly” called to ask RRL’s input on helping someone.  RRL dismissed the first call as just that- about helping someone else.  BUT THE GUY HAD THE NERVE TO CALL BACK.  At the end of the second call, he was prompted to say to RRL “You know, my wife and I pray for you guys.  How are you doing?”  Before 24 hours had passed we had a dinner date arranged for the four of us to get together, and just like that we had a catapult right through what had seemed impossible- day 153.

That dinner, ya’ll.  The Lord used it to save a part of us.  They spent several hours listening, sharing their own battle wounds and triumphs, encouraging us and praying for us.  They looked us squarely in the eye and said (my interpretation):

“YOU CAN DO THIS.  It will be harder than hard.  People won’t get it.  YOU won’t get it.  But you can and will do this hard thing.”

And with those words, I felt LIGHT flooding back into places of my heart that I thought were maybe possibly going to be dark forever.

Let me give you a moment to let that sink in.

Recap:

Day 152= breaking point (again)

Not sure how to keep going

Wonder if a couple we never spend time with (who have adopted kids) would talk to us

Dismiss that idea

Couple “randomly” calls us

Asks how we are doing and invites us to dinner

Reminds us it can be both GOOD AND HARD

Reminds us of light

Today is day 304.

I mean, if that won’t make your head spin and your mouth burst forth with a giant HALLELUJAH- well, then… I’ve got nothin’ for ya.

Today, the fight against darkness is still a struggle.  Each day is filled with opportunities to choose.  But I was reminded that day to believe in a powerful LIGHT.  I’m going to be sharing more over the next few posts about that Light.  A light that finds the smallest crack and penetrates in a way that it shatters the walls built in black around you.  A light that waits for you to turn toward it, but allows even the slightest dart of your eyes in its direction to invite you, to change you.  And sharing a little bit about how I’m choosing to let LIGHT IN, one day at a time.

One of my favorite LIGHT/POWER verses is John 1:1-5

In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life and that life was the LIGHT OF ALL MANKIND.  THE LIGHT SHINES in the darkness, and the darkness HAS NOT OVERCOME IT!

I’ve never felt the fighting power of that Light more than I did when I made it to day 153.

And today is day 304.

ABL

Some days I get these seven all dressed up fancy and I’m all like…

“Wow, I did this.  Would you look at them?  All of them!  Bathed, dressed, fed and even HAPPY.  Today we are a little better than just surviving. I’m kinda proud of us!”

and other days I’m just like

“WHOA! It just took two hours to get all seven kids bathed, fingernails clipped, clothes laid out, shoes located and hair brushed.  I think I’ll bathe me another day. Hopefully.”

Somedays I get the kids dropped off for school and I’m all like

“Wow! We nailed it.  Everyone has lunch, everyone studied their spelling words or read their book or took their project or WHATEVER was required. Move over Today because we’ve got you beat”

and other days I’m just like

“WHOA, coloring your reading graph EVERY.SINGLE.DAY is a for real thing?  When they required supervised reading they meant in the same general vicinity, right? You are supposed to dress like who? By when? I’m gonna need a minute.”

Some days I’m all like

“Wow! Our amazing parenting skills and consistency must really be paying off! ALL of the kids rocked this school day, they helped happily at home.  They are playing well together and have you EVER seen such manners on a tribe of little ones? Let’s write a book because we’ve got this DOWN!”

and other days I’m just like

“WHOA! I’m pretty sure I received a call or note from the entire population of teachers, school nurses, principals, directors and lunchroom helpers who have ever interacted with the cherubs.  And none of them were communicating with me just to tell me how delightful the day was.  I got nuthin’ left.  There goes the book tour.”

Some days I’m all like

“Wow! Would you look at this place? The laundry is put away, the toys are tidy, dinner smells delicious (and I actually cooked it).  I swept the floor this morning AND again this afternoon, just for good measure.  You know what, guys? We might even use real dishes tonight instead of paper plates because today I AM QUEEN OF THIS CASTLE!”

and other days I’m all like

“WHOA! When was the last time anyone cleaned that toilet? Did a herd of pigs eat my family and take over this sty?  Nope, I haven’t done any laundry this week so if your jeans don’t stink just wear ‘em again.  Yes, I know they have food on them BUT DO THEY STINK?  Because that’s where I draw the line for this team- just (barely) before straight up stinking.”

Some days I’m all like

“Wow! You betcha.  All seven, yep, they are with me!”

and and other days I’m just like

“WHOA! What kids? Nope never seen ‘em before.”

Isn’t it just the truth? Every day there’s a little bit of whoa! And it’s mixed right up with a whole lot of Wow!

Because no matter your age or stage of life, in every day there is learning and growing and changing and molding and shaping and becoming.  (Some for the kids, too.)

Without the WHOA! could we ever fully appreciate the WOW! Of life?

and without the WOW! how in the whole.wide.world would we ever survive the WHOA?

ABL

I’d love to know: How are you “all like…”?

Dearest ones-

Today we went on an adventure. We found a path that was ours alone for the afternoon.  And I want you to remember it.

I want you to remember that the views were breath-taking, the scenery peaceful and the company joyous.

But I also want you to remember that we weren’t sure at first where it would lead.  We weren’t sure what our afternoon had in store.  We walked together and hoped together.

I want you to remember what it felt like to be explorers: To notice the speed-boats on the water, feel the wind on your face, watch the sun sinking lower and listen for the sounds of animals in the thicket.

But I also want you to remember that the trail was narrow at times, the stones and branches across it sometimes tripped you, and it was important to follow the path.  You got hurt when you strayed and you were a little frightened when you lost your footing.

I want you to remember how you LONGED to run ahead, to see what might come next, to be the FIRST to experience it.

But I also want you to remember that sometimes you had to wait.

I want you to remember what it felt like to sit at the water’s edge and worship, to be so overwhelmed by the beauty of something that there was but one response.

But I also want you to remember that sometimes you had to search for beauty.  And we praised Him for those moments, too.

I want you to remember that today we went on an adventure because I want you to know that there will always be a part of me that wants days like this to last forever.  There will always be a part of me that wants to have enough hope FOR you to make you choose paths that you aren’t sure where they will lead.  I’ll long to hold your hand, to be your guide, to adventure beside you.

But I also want you to know that I won’t. There will come a time when you’ll go alone.  I’ll let you choose your own paths and I’ll linger behind even when it means I won’t be able to see you around the bend.

Because in that there will be great adventure for each of you.  On your own adventures, you’ll find beauty that will leave you unable to breathe anything except praise.  And you’ll appreciate the beauty of the little things all the more when you have to search for it yourselves.

On your own adventures, you’ll break-in the kind of shoes that will allow you to say “yes” to secret paths, paths that only you and He will walk together.  It will be on those paths that you’ll have to catch yourselves when you fall.  I want you to scrape your hands and get your knees dirty enough to long for Him more than you long for me.

After a day like today, I want you to remember to choose adventures.  And when you do, know that a piece of my heart will always ALWAYS ache to go with you, but sometimes I won’t.  Because I can give you no greater gift than to say “GO”!

Sweet ones, watch for the ONE who will lead you along the right paths. Adventure is in store for you.  And someday I’ll tell you about how each of you were part of mine.

All my heart,

Momma/Aunt A

After surviving a morning of taking 7 kids to the dentist, the only way to celebrate was staying outside until the last bit of sun was gone.

Because S is for…

S is for seriously?

why is he growing so much

S is for silly

what these kiddos do best

S is for selfies  and snuggles

with a couple of stinkers

S is for sunset play

when it’s too pretty to go inside quite yet

and the glow makes a game of pretend seem almost magical.

S is for seven

which equals built in play dates. All.the.time.

S is for savor

a choice to make each day

S is for SPRING!

Come quickly days of outside eating, sweet smelling flowers and evening games of hide n seek. This taste of spring made us all READY FOR MORE!

The Word of God is alive and evergreen.
While it is as 100% true and complete now as it was years ago, I find it ages and changes and grows and develops as I do. The words and truths stay unmoved but the way they speak to me flow fluidly through the seasons my life brings.

This last Sunday the lesson at our church was on the Gospel of Luke’s version of the calling of the first disciples.

Luke Chapter 5 (NIV)
4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”
5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”
6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

I know the word of GOD speaks to us where we are because as we listened to the lesson on obeying the Lord’s instructions, on working as He calls us, on the boat being filled to overflowing, on THE MIRACLE- I kept thinking “I bet their hands hurt”

I BET THEIR HANDS HURT!? Are you kidding me? That’s not empowering, encouraging, helpful, enlightening, preachable, or even anywhere is the words of those verses.

But it is exactly what I heard, and it was there that my heart lingered.
I bet their hands hurt.
Because mine do.

I believe RRL and I are witnessing a miracle. The one we’ve been waiting for. But it seems that as is gets closer the work gets more difficult. The “worth it?” question gets harder to answer, and I’m not sure I want anyone to know how close I sometimes come to giving up.
My hands hurt.

I still believe we are exactly where God has called us to be. The job He is asking us to do – and the way He is asking us to do it- don’t really make sense, though. I feel a bit like the fishermen who cast in deep waters in the middle of the day, even knowing that their nets were made for night fishing in shallow waters.

Like Simon immediately saw the evidence of the miracle as the tug on the nets began, I remember giggling in my prayers the very first day we knew about 3 bonus kids. I remember giggling in excitement at what The Lord was doing. It didn’t make sense, but I could sense Him all around. I believed Him, said Yes, and then the work began.

We began pulling in the nets, slowly, steadily, teeth gritted, not giving up, trying one stance and then another, adjusting our weight and continuing to pull. Always pulling. And my hands hurt.

After working for a time to pull the nets in I wonder if their hands got bloody. I wonder if they were tempted to quit. I wonder if for even a brief second the work of the thing outweighed the joy of what they were being allowed to partner in, the miracle. Maybe their hands hurt?

Whether the Word says aloud that the fishermen’s hands hurt that day or not (it doesn’t), I believe our tender and gracious God allowed me to see them that way because it resonated. And through that filter, the one carved by the season of life I’m in so that the light could pour to the part of my soul that needs it most…I found some truths:

My hands hurt because the nets are filling.

The cuts and bruises on my hands (albeit deep and ugly) are temporary, the fish in the nets are eternal.

He doesn’t need my help with this miracle, but he chose me to hold the net.

When the nets got too heavy to bear alone, another boat pulls along beside.

And sometimes your hands hurt.

Because, friends, the overflow of fish that represents my miracle- I can hear them splashing, . Somedays I have to squint so my eyes will adjust to see beyond my aching hands in front of my face. I have to struggle instead to focus just a few feet over the edge of the boat. But when I do, I can see the nets filling. I don’t know how long it is going to take us to pull them in, I don’t know when we will understand why the method was necessary, I have NO idea how the wounds will heal. And I’m 100% sure none of it will be like I expect.

My hands hurt.
But I promise not to quit.
And I promise when your nets get heavy, I’ll be in that boat that pulls up beside you.  We will work together, reminding each other to pray “But because you said so…” Reminding each other of temporary and eternal.

Together we will watch for evidence of the miracles flopping one by one then hundreds by hundreds into our boats. Because He is able and good and faithful and overflowing. Forever.

But sometimes our hands hurt.

ABL

Day 8. 17 sleeps until Christmas. Activity: dress like a nativity scene.

One of my favorite parts of our annual Christmas countdown is the “dressup like a nativity scene” night. If I was just trying to toot my own horn I would say it’s my favorite because we learn more about Jesus. But in reality it’s my favorite because you just never know what is going to happen, and it’s sure to be hilarious at one point or another.

Tonight’s highlights:

The self appointed narrator who ran upstairs to get dressed up at the last minute. He loved leading us and the six other characters through the story via scene changes and role play.

The “curtain” we were supposed to “imagine opening” to a scene that looked like Mary and Joseph were dead. Then being informed they were laying quietly and waiting on their angel dreams.

The baby in a manger getting scooted on and off “stage” at appropriate times and being constantly instructed to try to look more like a just born baby. At one point he informed his bossy Mary mommy he could not look asleep until the lights were off.

The angel appearing to the shepherd in the field. Melt.me.

The one wiseman bringing a gift of football shoulder pads because it was the only thing he could find in the playroom to use as his gift of silver (yeah, we are revisiting that).

And the random (but adorable) sheep who showed up in every scene.

All together it was messy. And perfect.

My kids may never get this quite right. And while I don’t want them to get the feeling that it’s a funny story or that we shouldn’t try to learn more about it, I also learn a lot when I let them tell it their way. Because truth be told, I stumble through this holiday, too. I don’t know how best to celebrate it. I struggle to dig deeper into what I believe. I’m pretty sure I can’t fully comprehend that a baby was born who was MAN and GOD, at exactly the same time. There are details I am surprised by every time I read this nativity story.

And maybe that’s ok. When I imagine that night Jesus was born I bet it was messy, too. Joseph probably stumbled all over the right things to say to or do for his wife who was giving BIRTH in a stable. Mary was uncomfortable (at best). The town didn’t exactly roll out the red carpet for the parents of the Savior. Plus…There.were.ANIMALS. And then Jesus, blameless, perfect, clean, full of all knowledge, power and glory came straight into the middle of that mess.

That picture is so good for me. Because He’s with us now, too, smack in the middle of our mess. I can’t tell you all the ways I see him here, not taking the mess away but meeting us in the middle of it, promising to redeem it, reminding us of his glory, asking us to look at our mess and see it as Holy ground on which he CHOOSES to walk.

Our nativity scene was a mess.
We are a mess.
And that baby who was born in a mess
came to join us in our mess
And redeem every once of it.
CHRIST IS COME!
Celebrate!

ABL

This week was a doozy.

Mon= PJ Day: “Follow your dreams. Say NO to drugs!”

Full of lots of super fun WOW.

Tues=Super Hero Day: “Being Drug Free is our SUPER POWER”

I often thought, though,

it might have been slightly more fun

if it hadn’t been multiplied by seven children.

Maybe.

Wed= crazy sock day : “Sock it to drugs!”

We had

Thurs= Neon day : “Our future is bright- no drugs in sight!”

Red Ribbon Week

Fri= Character parade: “We show good character by being drug free!”
Lightning McQueen, Tom Sawyer, Batman, Ballerina

School Fun Run

So proud of these kiddos! All ran a ton of laps and even better their attitudes were TOP NOTCH!

and Halloween activities.

Preschool parade day 1: Dorothy, Woody, Conductor

All of which equated to

Preschool parade, Day2 : David, Buzz, Fancy Nancy

the special opportunity to put together a grand total of 17 different costumes and a myriad of other specific attire.

FOR.SEVEN.CHILDREN.

Our Peter Pan cast of characters

Which is why my kitchen looked/looks like this…

In case you were wondering…

My survival skills included (but not limited to):
Running (shocker).  Making everyone lay everything out at least 3 days in advance.  Buying soup from the grocery store instead if making it for our annual Halloween soup and grilled cheese dinner.

And enforcing a little rule I like to call “candy tax”…if you bring it home, your Momma/aunt gets to share it!

I’m wiped out (again) just looking through the pictures, hard to believe that was all in one week.  But you know what I’m thankful for, on this very first day of the Thankful Month?

I’m thankful I was there.  They want me to be.  And I can be.  Many deep breaths may often be required, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world!

Hope you had a great week, too, full of lots of “there”!
And to my sweet teacher friends who survived this week- bless you!
ABL